Saturday, November 15, 2008

Where I'm At

Ahhh, the weekend is here! The plan this morning was to sleep in, but Piper was on one of her puking sprees. After I was awoken the third time by the sound of kitty heaves coming from somewhere near my feet, I scrapped the sleeping thing! So, after a bagel and a cup of coffee, I’m back where I spend a disgusting amount of time these days - in front of the computer.

What on earth keeps me attached to this machine so many hours a week? Let’s see - there’s Ghost Hunters on You Tube, there is Spider Solitaire (which is even better when played during Ghost Hunters, since very little actually happens on that show), there is Facebook, there is the blog world, there is Google news, and, I’ll admit it, there are the many websites designed to give hope (realistically and not-so realistically) to women who find themselves consumed by the desire to become a mom.

Most of the women on these sites face the double stigmas of being both childless and objects of the degrading stereotypes about women and their "biological clocks". I’ve always felt kinda sorry for them, in the tepid way you feel sorry for someone you don’t really relate to and can congratulate yourself for bearing little resemblance to. I even managed to get pregnant without ever having to join in on one of the indelicate discussions that goes on in these TTC forums.

But that was before. I’m no longer pregnant, and every month there is an escalating urgency to getting pregnant, which I am having a hard time talking myself down from. If you are thinking right now, “poor Ross,” you are right! But it’s like this mysterious mandate (and please, nobody say biological clock or I’ll kick you!) and I feel overwhelmed by it. One of the things about these sites is that you see a picture of where you could end up - superstitions and crazy diets and unsavory mail order products - and it scares me.

Oh well. This is life. Suddenly we look around and find that, without a lot of forethought or intention, we’ve started off on a new path. I accept that this is my journey right now, and, as embarrassing as it may be, it includes eager attention to minute bodily change, fistfuls of home pregnancy tests, and pathetic Google searches like “negative pregnancy test but still pregnant?”


Crystal said...

Kim, (((hugs))), this sounds exactly like where I was a few years ago before getting pregnant with Madison. It even got to the point where I couldn't stand being around pregnant women and every time I saw one and huge lump would begin to grow in my throat that wouldn't go away for days. Scott also would spare me the pain he new I would feel by not telling me when any of his friends or co-workers would get pregnant. He knew how it would crush me.

Everyone has their opinions and suggestions and none of them help. The only thing that was the TINIEST bit comforting was talking to other women who went or were going threw the same thing.

So I won't offer any opinions or suggestions. Just a sympathetic ear and a hug when ever you want one.

Crystal said...

I meant to say when any of the wives of his friends or co-workers. =)

Kimberly Cangelosi said...

Thanks Crystal (((hugs)))

Andy said...

I still think the best way to get pregnant is to adopt a little one and then you'd have two babies.

Oh and see my blog for comments on my need for help setting up a web page for the business. I mentioned Ross as a potential source for guidance, but I bet with all your internet experience you could help too.

Steph said...

Oh Kimbo. I'm also very anxious for you to have a little one. I love you and I'm praying for you.

Here is what Mal wants to say:
He says he wanted it to say, Dear Kimbo I know you love me but I wish you would stop wanting to punish me.

He's silly Haha! are the best. I know it will happen. Try not to stress...I know I know...easier said then done.

Kimberly Cangelosi said...

Sorry for the gloomy post guys, it was just one of those mornings. Don't worry, I'm not overly anxious, just determined and impatient. Love you!

Lauren said...

Everything happens (and doesn't happen) for a reason so don't stress it and be patient. Plus, I've heard that stress makes it harder for women to get pregnant anyway, so getting rid of stress is not only good psychologically but physically as well.

In your haste, try to remember that you and Ross haven't been married for even a year and have so much to experience together and learn about one another. Enjoy your "alone" time because whenever a baby comes, that will be the end it if.

People are always asking Noah and I why we don't have kids yet/ when we're going to start a family (not that it's really any of their business) but one of the top ranking reasons is that we really are very selfish with our time together. We just love being together -- be it just a lazy day in bed, running errands, a last-minute trip to see friends, a mini-vacation someplace close. The dogs are easy enough to leave in the care of family/ friends or leave home... but a baby isn't that easy. Anyway, we cherish all the wonderful time we have as a couple to learn new things about each other every day, things that we may not be able to do (at least not so readily) if there was another little person to factor in.

Kimberly Cangelosi said...

Hi Lauren, I will try not to stress about it! God's timing isn't always our timing but it is perfect timing nonetheless.