Thursday, May 26, 2005

Calvin Spoof

Seeing Calvin all over the news got me feeling nostalgic, so I dug out this Calvin application spoof that the school paper put out in '97;


Statistical Information (mandatory)This information may be sold to various corporations; proceeds enable us to send every prospective student at least ten copies of every admission brochure.

Marital Status: * Single * Married *Engaged *Promised *Opaled *Pinned *Desperately seeking Christian mate *Not looking (need not apply)

Citizenship: * U.S. Citizen * I'm not an American, but I want to be, because it's the greatest country in the world.

Birthplace: *Pella,IA *Grand Rapids, MI *Holland, MI *Bellflower, CA *Ripon,CA *Lynden, WA

Native Language: *English *Ebonics (need not apply)

Ethnic background: *25% Dutch *50% Dutch *75% Dutch *100% Dutch *Frisian (may qualify for Melting Pot scholarship) *French Huguenot (bienvenue, huh?)

Other colleges you are applying to: *Redeemer College, eh *Dordt College *Hope College (i.e. at risk of losing your election) *University of California at Berkeley (i.e. at risk of losing our election, need not apply)

Church name: (Please circle all that apply) 1st 2nd 3rd 4th Immanuel Community Rehoboth Maranatha Bethel CRC

Youth Pastor's Nickname: *Skip *Flash *Rog *Mr. Bean *Bubba *Joey joe joe bob shabadoo

In a token effort to develop a more diverse student body, Calvin reluctantly offers the Melting Pot and Salad Bowl Scholarships. Selection for these awards takes into consideration the student's ethnic, cultural, political, consumer, emotional, spiritual, psychological, sexual and socioeconomic background in addition to academic, driving and prison records.

Would YOU like to be considered a melting pot or salad bowl student? *No *Yes
  • Drop the Van in your last name
  • get a tan
  • try a different clothing venue than Abercombie and Fitch
  • dye your hair
  • say aloha to everyone you meet
  • pierce your belly button
  • wear bell bottoms)

  • The Melting Pot Scholarships are among Calvin's top scholarships. Selection is based on a seperate scholarship application form. Would YOU like to be sent a melting pot scholarship application form? If so, please answer the following preliminary questions in order to gain eligibility:*

  • Have you ever talked to a black person? Hispanic person? Asian person? Pacific Islander? Canadian? First nations? How did your Reformed perspective shape this conversation?
  • Have you ever gone on a missions trip for at least 3 days in a third world country (New Mexico and Mississippi count)? Are you prepared to lead a chapel service on the experience? Please include a copy of the form letter you sent out on your return describing how the experience transformed your life.
  • Have you ever sung a spiritual in your high school choir? (Kum Ba Ya and The Lion Sleeps Tonight count. Shine Jesus Shine does not.)
  • Have you ever danced the Macarena? Can you walk like an Egyptian? Do you know the chorus to La Bamba? When the song "Alabare" comes up on the overhead, does it make you want to do the Macarena?

  • *If you really are a person of colour, please send a 5x7 photo of yourself, preferably studying on a sunny lawn, so we can use it in our next brochure.


    seegeepee said...

    I didn't laugh until the last line. Then, I laughed.

    Kim Traynor said...

    glad to hear it, you crotchety old fart!

    Jackie R. said...

    Kim- hey - I am a Calvin grad - 1997... that is SO SO SO funny. I just read it about 3 times in Panera - people probably think I'm an idiot laughing to myself. Anyhow -- thanks for posting it!
    Jackie... the non-Dutch, non-Christian Reformed, grew up in public school in Pennsylvania... Calvin anomaly

    Kim Traynor said...

    Me too, I became a christian through Impact and I'd never even heard of CRC! It was a bit of a culture shock at first, but I loved it there.

    Phil said...

    I'm a Calvin grad (1996-2001) and a Chimeser (1998-2001). The Kalvin application packet was genius--we dug it out for inspiration when we were working on Calvin For Dummies. (When I describe to people in Milwaukee where I went to undergrad, I say, "Just imagine that everyone's last name is Van_____sma.")

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane!